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Written By: Monkey Boy

29 May 2010

Long Time!!!

Well its been a long time since i have even checked out this blog but i really need somewhere to write and clear my head.

I never for one second thought that i would become someone who would find the need to write as for my whole life i have found it hard to even get a couple of paragraphs written out.

Anyway as you can see the blog has a new layout and that will become a little more customized over the following week but for now this is good enough.

so as i said i needed to get some stuff in my head sorted.......have you ever woken up and started thinking that you made one of the biggest mistakes of your life!!!!

yesterday i did something that i never thought i would ever was also he hardest and most painful thing in my life to this date.

Me and Emily have broken up and im already starting to feel like its one of the biggest mistakes of my life but i know that if we do get back together at this point in life things will just get back to the point where we need another break or breakup.

for the last couple of months i've been feeling like its coming to an end but kept trying to pull past it and keep it going but its just got to much for of the most painful things after telling her was seeing how upset she was....i swore to myself that i would never be a guy that would make her cry but i have and now i feel like the worst person in the world.

I care about her so much, i love her with all my heart but there was just so many things that took me to the point of needing to break up with her.........i just really hope that we can still remain friends as i would hate to lose her from my life all together.

the odd thing is, one of the hardest parts was going through my profiles online and changing the status to single, just typing that word is like a knife through the heart......i really can't bring myself to changing my FaceBook status, for some reason it feels like changing that one makes it final, its strange how a Social Network Profile can make such a difference to someones emotions.

Anyway i didn't make this decision blindly........its been at the back of my mind for months but i had always just told myself that everything is fine but deep down inside i know that this wasn't true and i needed to speak out.

I just had to hold on till her work was done as i didn't want this to effect her work.....i know it means so much to her that she has the chance to do this course and if i had anything to do with her failing i would never forgive myself.

If im honest with myself and with how i feel.......i love her so much and would do anything for her.......but........the spark that we had at the start of our relationship has gone, that excitement that we both felt wasn't there anymore for me........i mean it was other things as well but those things i've looked past for 3 years and although its been hard to do i have managed but once a spark in a relationship goes out its very difficult to get it back.

If only we had more times like SummerHill, Edinburgh, London and such.......its was at those times we where uber close.....i was looking so forward to the summer holidays.....i feel that things would have gotten better and we would have been closer again as work would have been out the way.

There where so many things that i was looking forward to doing with her over the summer such as the Hartlepool Carnival, Going to Edinburgh again, trips to Dublin maybe (if money held up), trips to Newcastle, Leeds, Scarborough and just sitting on the sofa and watching TV while getting all snuggled up.

I really wish we could have talked more......if we did maybe things would have been different, i just found it so hard to talk about the problems i was having because it always felt like i couldn't go to her about things without upsetting her and making her cry.

if we get back together it wont be for another year and even then it wont be back together straight away......if we do it will be as if its a fresh start and going on dates and such but for now i want to give her space and try and get my head into check.

anyway till my next post please check out my animation blog

thank you for listening......i needed this to get my head in check.....bye for now.


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